Almost exactly what I look like right now.

I was just in the bathroom making myself into a better person with the lovely substance that is fake tan while thinking about what I could write about this afternoon. So yeah, let's go with that.

I had a tanning disaster a few weeks ago. I hadn't used fake tan for a couple of years. My go-to solution for misleading people about my pasty pins had been Le Tan Wash Off Body Bronzer. It's the stuff you use when you haven't prepared and you put on a dress and it looks like you gots no legs coz they blending into your white walls. That stuff is pretty good if you want to disguise the pure-paste for one occasion and then wash away the sin, clean for bed and back to your pale self.

I'm not sure what prompted me to do an all-over tan session but it probably had something to do with the arrival of summer and... shorts, oh yes, shorts.

So I went to Le Shops and picked myself up some Le Tanning Gel. By the time it had developed, I looked like, how you say, a sunset watercolour painting - all streaky and such. Nice and natural. Nice natural orange arms with freaky white clown hands (yes, I tanned my hands but it washed away. Like most clean people, I have a daily hand-to-body washing ratio of about 200:1 sooooo...).

I would NOT recommend clear tanning gels. The substance being colourless and fast-drying, the whole tanning procedure was fraught with mystery. I went camping that arvo and my friend said, "The most important thing is that you made the effort". Not true, the most important thing is that I look like a big streaky bacon body.

Anyway. My dear Mum gifted me some J Bronze Mousse after hearing my story of woe. I used it last week and reapplied today - the colour was still visible and even, just in need of a top up.

Why do I think the world needs my review - the girl who hadn't tanned in two years? The reason I want to offer my thoughts on this product is because I read a few comments last week and found them to be totally stupid.

Disclaimer: I like the tan, it's a good colour and it didn't turn out streaky. Obviously I'd use it again because I just did. I used the Dark - it's not that dark, don't be afraid.

However, some people were writing things like, "Ooooh, it smells so good, my boyfriend thought I was wearing perfume! I wore it straight to a wedding without needing a shower and even slept in it without it staining the sheets!".

I think those girls have been tanning too long and no longer know what normal skin smells or feels like.

I stink. I'll tell ya right now - I stink! I wouldn't even want to go to Coles like this let alone frock up for an event where there might be people with nostrils in close range. Your boyfriend thinks you smell like perfume? What perfume have you been wearing to date? Did you get it at Dollar King? You can't feel the tan on your skin? I can feel it - it feels tacky and dirty like every other tanning product and I cannot WAIT to have a shower later! You went to bed in it? Your poor boyfriend. Can only assume he is dirty, too. Have a shower. It took me two showers to feel clean again after last week's tan. I went to bed hoping I wouldn't be kicked out of it.

So, yeah, it's a nice colour tan, get it and everything, but no need to go kissing J-Hawkins' bare bott bott because, I'm telling you, you smell a bit like a sausage roll, and not in a good way.

See, this is why I don't do beauty reviews.

J-Bronze. It's just lovely.


  1. hahaha I use your sausage roll tan smell analogy and get a laugh. Every. Time.
    Good to know about this being ok colour. I asked your bro the Tanophobe (you know what they say about 'phobes... closet Tanofans) to pick some up for me and he insisted on proof that JH had researched "all the chemicals and shit". I just sat there on the other end of the phone said, "... but she's like, hot... and stuff!"
    Suck it Husband. These pins are getting coloured.
    Thanks SIL, dearest XX

  2. Hahahaha. Did you end up getting it? What do you think?