Rainbow sprinkles sponge cake made by my Mama.

Today is my last day as Alexandra Kate the Thirty-Year-Old. Tomorrow I will be Alexandra Kate Firmly In Her Thirties. It's a nice feeling to have a birthday that's not a momentous one. There's quite a lot of pressure on that 30 birthday... people asking if you feel different and teasing you like you're so old you're about to pass away. But it aint bad here, you know. 

There were quite a few times, through my late twenties, when I'd look back on ways that I'd thought/acted in my earlier twenties and it amused me how much my ways of thinking had changed. I can't remember a single anecdote, but my point is, I'm expecting those 'ah ha' moments to continue, and that's a really good thing.

Thirty has been an interesting and challenging year for me. I decided to quit my good job and take up teaching. I moved out of my parents' place, for the third time, and into my boyfriend's place. I moved from Sydney to Wollongong. I went back to uni to start teaching. Something didn't feel right. I went through a battle with myself where I had to turn inside out to figure out what I needed to do and how to make sense of my unease. I challenged my fear and let my guard down to speak to a psychologist. My biggest failure this past year has also been my biggest victory. Feeling beaten, I sat in the university library in between classes and wrote a 10 page letter to myself, trying to make sense of the situation. I didn't feel the pull towards teaching that I wanted to feel, that I thought I needed to feel, and I feared I would arrive at the destination only to have come to the wrong place. Not because that place isn't wonderful... and that's what was so hard. While I was at Uni I had a notebook that I'd fill with creative teaching ideas as they popped into my head. I knew that so much about teaching would be fulfilling and I knew that I could be good at it - but something that couldn't be pinpointed was telling me that this was not my destination. It was not easy to let go. I was scared of what people would think if I backed out. My colleagues from the company I'd left, my boyfriend, my family, his family, my teachers. Who is this girl, who flits around making grand decisions and then backs out on them, they'd think. Well. My triumph is that I was able to put that aside and put myself first. I had to block it out and do what I needed to do. Things don't always go according to plan, and still, I suppose there is a little mystery surrounding this whole thing, and I wonder if it's something I'll one day look back on and be able to see a lesson. As yet, I don't know. The last five or so months have been clouded with indecision about where to work (location and commuting being a big issue) and what to do. I feel like I'm beginning to come out of the cloud. Just in the past week I've made another decision that has been momentous and scary. Up until now I've been applying for jobs both in Sydney and Wollongong. Any Sydney job would require a huge commute (up to 4 hours daily). I recently said to myself that I would only accept a job in Sydney if it were at Bauer Media or Pacific Magazines. Ever since I went to Pacific Magazines as a 16-year-old for work experience, it's kind of been a 'dream' (more like a simmering idea) to go back there to work. Last Friday I received a call from Pacific and an invitation for an interview. There was my window. I thought about it over the weekend, and then decided not to attend. Massive. Window closed. Mistake? No. Even when I lived in Sydney I didn't like the commute into the city. I think you have got to consider the whole picture. Your picture. What is your happy picture? What are you willing to sacrifice; what chances are you willing to take for things to turn out better?

My friend sent me a text yesterday and it said: "There's a ball of fire in the sky keeping everyone warm... everyone okay with that?" I wrote back, "And a big rock lamp that turns on when it gets dark".

What are we doing, walking around all serious and acting like it's normal to be on a dirt ball, spinning around the big fireball heater/light in the sky -- it's not. Life is too crazy amusing to take too seriously and to waste time doing things we don't like. I think that is why I have not been hasty on pulling the plug when things aren't ticking the happy box.

I'm at a point where I'm able to make some decisions for me. I also feel like there are so many possibilities out there, but that often we only see the world through the limited scope of our individual experiences and old goals. I want my scope to open. I'm excited to explore something new and ride the journey towards that. I'm feeling positive as we head out of winter and into spring. The past is behind. Tomorrow I'll be 31 and it's a fresh start for a new year. I'm looking forward to new inspiration, new energy, and happiness. 

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