BREATHE

Good morning - whether you landed here by accident or clicked through on purpose - good morning.

Sitting at my desk now, having arrived here after a string of delay techniques. I did my nails, put on a load of washing, made a smoothie... and now I am writing a blog post, instead of sending out job applications.

It has been a while since blogging, which is strange, since now more than ever, I've had the time. I guess it seemed fickle to come on here and write about cake and things when there were more pressing issues at hand. There were a few times when I wished that my blog were anonymous, so that I could come and speak truthfully about what has been going on. But my blog is, what, five years old now? I don't want to leave it to rot away and start again, all so I can blog in secrecy. Nor do I want to share all my deep dark secrets (coz I'm so interesting and I have a lot of those) but I would like to be able to write a little more honestly sometimes. So if that is going to make you cringe, click away!

Yes, still looking for a job. The good news is that, after a scary spell where my phone never rang, I've been pretty busy in the interview department lately. I've had three interviews in the past couple of months. One of those jobs I was offered, started, and left. It was a situation that was all wrong for me. I can feel when something is or isn't quite right. I started this job and it felt like poison to my body... I could physically feel weight bearing down on my chest, like shackles. And as soon as I made the decision to walk away, the weight lifted. But there lies a grey area. Sometimes I do believe you need to push yourself out of your comfort zones and experience scary things, and that's how you grow, and that's how you break down barriers and discover new things. That is a good thing. I recognise in myself that sometimes I am afraid of that "discomfort zone". For example, in 2012 when I started my last job, I was so utterly freaked out by the workload that within a month I was a terrible, anxious, upset mess, and attempted to resign. Luckily for me, my very supportive team talked me out of it and I ended up getting to know a wonderful team and having lots of fun experiences I'd never had before. I could have thrown it all away for being afraid of being imperfect. So, I have to be aware of that tendency in me. But on the other side of the coin... when you know, you know. I knew that this place was not the place for me, and in spite of needing work, I actually saw this as a different kind of challenge: I was being offered a situation that wasn't good enough for me, and it was a repeater of situations I've been in the past. I chose to say "Really? Is this what you're offering me? No thank you. I can do better."  And I have no regrets. I believe I am worth more, and I believe that THAT belief will bring me more.

Moving on. Since then I have had two other interviews for jobs that I was probably not fully qualified to perform, both in marketing. So it's a positive thing that I was offered interviews. Without meaning to sound arrogant, I used to have a pretty good strike rate with interviews, meaning, if I got to interview stage, I usually got the job. It has been a little knock for me to have been to two interviews and not get the job, but it's not a bad thing. I think I am good at interviews. I actually quite enjoy them. As long as you have examples prepared for the standard questions, there is no reason to be nervous. It's just a conversation between you, and someone who mows the lawn on the weekend like everybody else. But these two experiences are telling me two things: one, that I need to step it up a bit, coz I gots me some competition. Two, is that perhaps, now that I have some experience under my belt, I am going for the type of job where the level of responsibility is higher and therefore you can't just get your foot in the door by being well spoken and neatly presented. That again, is a good thing.

Yesterday morning I received a phone call from one of those jobs, telling me I was not successful. I was not expecting to get the job. The interview went reasonably well; some questions I answered well, others I answered exceptionally well when I reenacted the interview on the drive home (but I don't think that counts). To anyone who asked me how the interview went I said, "It went well but I don't think I'll get the job. I didn't get an overwhelming positive feeling". When she told me I didn't get it, I hung up the phone, hung down my head and I cried for about ten seconds. Then I went to cheer myself up with an episode of Mad Men (not the most uplifting choice) and got wobbly lip again, and I said to myself, okay, you can have ONE hour to be upset, and then you get over it, and you be positive. But I didn't need an hour. And I am over it today.

Why. Well, I just happen to be a believer that some things happen for a reason. I happen to believe that something better is coming into formation for me and that all the pieces are already falling into place, even though I can't see it just yet. Somewhere, someone is preparing to leave their job; somewhere, a new opportunity is opening up. So it's okay. They are cliches, but, you know what they say about cliches (they are cliches for a reason): Sometimes one door has to shut for another one to open. I will not look long and regretfully at the closed door, because that is just dumb. I will frolic among the doors and wait for the big, bold, sparkly one covered in flashing lights to open up - dat my door. And sometimes life doesn't go according to your plan, because it has a better plan. So, actually, fantastic!

Some people, some people who are near and dear to me, don't understand my "kookiness" or faith or belief in these types of things. In things happening for a reason, in signs, not coincidences, in getting what you give, in receiving what you ask. It makes me a little sad, only because I love my beliefs because they give me so much joy. THIS is my normal.

So anyway, I started off by saying that I was procrastinating with the job applications. But starting is probably the hardest bit, and then you do it, and then it's done, so off I go.

P.S. Breathe in... breathe out. When something comes easily to you in life, it's meant to be. When something doesn't come easy - let it go. Breathe.

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